i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
me + whiskey = a bad person
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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