is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
