I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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