She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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