my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
