also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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