Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
