just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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