Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
