True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
