Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
