walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
