I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
