3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
