I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Randomize
