you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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