Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
