Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
