Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
