Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
