my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
