Your mouth is God's brothel.
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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