Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
