there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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