My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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