Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
