my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
