Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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