I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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