I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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