i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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