he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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