ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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