His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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