The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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