i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
