So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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