Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
