I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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