I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
