Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
