Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
