my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
