There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
