Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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