I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
