I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
