I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
