Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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