i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
