My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Randomize
