I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
