____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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