Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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